on beauty

The range of human attractiveness is vast, despite what the images and thoughts of the media tell us. This doesn't seem to be a novel concept, as we are all told this growing up, most especially us girls who don't fit into the category of movie-star "beauty". You can continue to fight the esteem-reducing depictions of women, the claims that gentlemen prefer blondes, and messages of the cosmetic industry that we pay to make us more desirable. But somewhere in your fight, your soul becomes a little crushed. A little tethered. Extremely fatigued.

Sometimes I ignore the images. I don't watch shows about the 100 most beautiful celebrity bodies. I don't look through the women's magazines. I don't check out the 10 tips for more kissable lips. But they still seep through and eat away at my ability to consider myself striking. I still see the television with the predictable make-up and collagen and hair color, I still see the images of the women who look beautiful in anything they place (or don't place) on their bodies, and I still see that I haven't purchased the right color lipstick to get laid this fall.

Sometimes I ignore my reflection. I don't stand to the side to see how much I stick out in the wrong places. I don't stand up close to examine exactly where that bump in my nose is. I don't turn around to catch a glimpse of my hair. These are the days that I feel the most attractive. Because I can't compare my body to the stars, I can't think about how much it would cost to make my face more appealing, I can't worry about what perfect hair product would get rid of the frizz in my natural curls.

Despite this war which I battle every day (an unnecessary one when you consider all the more important things I could be faced with), I still feel desirable when I look in the mirror. I run my fingertips across my lips, through my hair, down my body, and understand that someone finds me gorgeous. The battle has worn down my cognitive defenses, but my heart still tells me that someone desires to hold me, kiss me, fuck me, in spite of (or perhaps because of) what they've been told to want. I am designed to be consumed by non-consumers. I am proof that radiance cannot be discovered in a bottle. I am evidence that someone finds you beautiful.